


god be with you till we meet again

by bitterwholesomegay



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mormonism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterwholesomegay/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: Sebastian attends a funeral for a friend he lost to suicide.tw for off-screen suicide of an original character. take care of yourselves, friends.





	god be with you till we meet again

**Author's Note:**

> this....this isn't happy y'all. i recently attended a funeral of someone i knew through the queer mormon community, and i needed some space to process my feelings. i suspect that'll be happening a lot with Sebastian Brother. 
> 
> title is from the mormon hymn by the same name, mostly sung at funerals and temple dedications.

When Sebastian walks into the church, the feelings crash over him in a wave. He hasn’t been in a chapel since...Well, Since. He had tried to go several times, driving to a church, and sometimes even making it as far as the lobby, but he hadn’t been able to make himself go into the chapel. But he does this time, does it for Jonathan. It’s important for him to be here today, and he’ll cross that threshold, mentally and physically.

He’s definitely going to stall first though. Even though he’s never been in this particular building, he doesn’t have to ask anyone where the bathrooms are; he instinctively knows, has been in enough churches built in the exact same layout that it’s not even a question. He finds this both comforting and a little disconcerting. Comforting in the sense that this still feels a little bit like home - he knows where things are, he knows the pictures and the couches and the smell. But at the same time, this is a home that rejected him. He’s sat on bathroom floors that look exactly like this, having panic attacks, and staring at identical blue and white square tile while trying to convince himself to go back into young men’s or sacrament meeting.

He looks at himself in the mirror and tells himself that he can do this. That he can be here, in this space, for these people. He is needed, he is wanted, he is worthy of being here with his community.

Jonathan was well-loved in the queer mormon community. He always had good things to say on facebook, filled with empathy and Christ-like love. Jonathan was one of the first people Sebastian had met After. Jonathan Owens’ story was a lot like Sebastian Brother’s. He’d figured out he liked boys at a relatively young age, hid it away and prayed and prayed and prayed. He had hoped going on a mission and handing his life over to the Lord in service would fix him, and got all the way out into the mission field, before realizing that he couldn’t bring himself to knock on doors when he was in so much pain. Jonathan’s story always resonated with Sebastian; it was so much like his own, was just a few steps away from _being_ his own. Now that Jonathan is gone… Well, that resonance still sits heavy in Sebastian’s chest.

They sing _Where Can I Turn for Peace_ as the opening hymn. He still knows all the words and harmonies, doesn’t have to look at the hymn book at all. He really shouldn’t be surprised by this - this song was always one of his favorites - but it somehow catches him off-guard anyways. He’s again struck by the tension of not feeling at home in the space he was raised, the space that taught him what a home should be. It’s still a part of him, and he couldn’t remove it even if he wanted to.

The Owens siblings eulogize their brother, speaking in birth order. Jonathan was the fourth of five. Jonathan’s second oldest sister Sadie speaks about how the only solace she’s found this past week has been from the Lord. Sebastian cries at that, though not for the reason he would have a couple years ago. When he had gone to funerals Before, he’d always found comfort thinking about the Lord’s grace and His plan. Now though, it doesn’t soothe the ache in his chest. He still believes in Something, but not in the same way - he doesn’t know, and he certainly doesn’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Before, he had been at ease turning sorrow over to the Lord, but now. Now that sorrow sits deep in his lungs. He sits forward, with his elbows on his knees and takes deep but shaky breaths. On his right side, his friend Katie offers him a tissue, and on the left, another friend rubs his back. He tries to focus on the back and forth of his friend’s hand, and his breathing starts to even out.

Jonathan’s younger sister, Rebecca, speaks last, and she can barely get the words out through her tears. She looked up to Jonathan a lot, and Sebastian knows she really struggled when he came out. She wanted so badly to continue to look up to him, and choosing to continually commit a sin like this didn’t align with being worthy of that kind of admiration. She had mostly come around, when she saw her brother was still the kind and loving person he’d always been, but she’d really struggled with it. If Sebastian had to guess, he’d say Rebecca hadn’t fully reconciled those things yet when Jonathan passed.

The presiding bishop closes out the eulogies with a talk about eternal life and the plan of salvation. Sebastian was expecting this - knows from the many funerals his own father presided at - but it still feels like being kicked when he’s down. The mormon church’s version of the afterlife doesn’t include fire and brimstone for sinners, but Judgement definitely comes for you. Later, Sebastian will think that that the bishop tried his best to avoid the Judgment Day Talk and just focus on the celestial kingdom and being reunited with our heavenly parents, but in the moment, all Sebastian can think about is what was left unsaid: if Jonathan had tried harder, he would have made it back.

As with all mormon funerals, they sing _God Be With You Till We Meet Again_ as the closing hymn. Sebastian doesn’t even make it through the first verse before he’s too choked up to sing. He stares at the hymn book in front of him, vision blurred with tears, and wonders if he and Jonathan will meet again. He doesn’t know what he believes anymore, and going off his last conversation with Jonathan, neither did Jonathan.

They reach the final verse, and the lyrics instruct the congregation to keep love’s banner floating o’er you, and Sebastian can do nothing but weep. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever see Jonathan again, but he will raise the banner of love high, and strive to honor his friend’s memory.

**Author's Note:**

> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255  
> The Trevor Project Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386  
> Trans Lifeline: US: 877-565-8860, Canada: 877-330-6366


End file.
